The Last Crow PRINT

Time, like so much else in Elphame, moved differently for peace than it did for war. The moments you wanted to hold on to for the longest sped by as if they hadn’t happened at all. I had come to Elphame a Crow, fated to die on Fae soil, through a Gate that was no longer. It felt like I had lived several lifetimes within a short period, and each day had tested me and prepared me for what was coming next. Some of my memories were brief and fading, while others take up more room in my soul than needed. But that was the fate of us all, to earn moments worth remembering, because nothing is free in Elphame, especially the good parts.

As I contemplated where I had ended up, where I had fought to get to, I sat in the trees with a picnic packed for me by Solas. I could already smell the mashed potatoes and apple turnovers…the two things that reminded me of home, comfort and people I loved dearly. Although I complained about the potatoes more often than not, the day I stopped seeing them would break my heart. It was the small things that could make or break my day. I dug through my lunch bag, decorated with a small black crow, and traded Finn my sugary treats for his apple. With frosted grapes from the Winter Court in my hand, I sank into the sun's heat with a friend who’d torn his soul apart to get me back to Elphame, because that’s what family did for each other. They burned off parts of themselves for you to survive.

Finn’s dark head rested on a rock, two feet to my right, under the trees. He was dressed head to toe in black leathers and always looked ready to fight a war, should the opportunity arise. He was telling me of my secret birthday party I wasn’t to know about, on pain of death at Nix’s hands. In a few months, I’d celebrate another year I’ve lived through, a milestone in a place like this. I’d spent my first birthday in this place in the Golden Courts, watching people die. The second one, I’d barely made it to in one piece. I had torn myself apart, heart and soul, for another year of Elphame. And another long year is what I’d got. Pinnacle moments between each of those long years had risen like waves and crashed down like thunder, threatening to drag away everything good and everyone I loved. I held on for dear life during each storm, even though my arms got tired and I almost lost my grip a few times. It wasn’t lost on me why Fae stopped counting their years. Reflecting back over a year of hell didn’t sound like the best way to start a new one.

I didn’t go far from the manor anymore without someone with me—someone who would die in my place, slowly enough for me to escape. The Dark Courts weren’t a prison, as it had been before, but I was cautious of the limits of my safety. I didn’t test them as I once had. Now, it was just simply smart not to be alone. It wasn’t often I was seen without the Aos Si or the shadows. It wasn’t worth the argument to leave them behind. We were family, and you didn’t leave your family to face the world alone. After being to hell and back on more than one occasion, I had agreed to one guard when I left the yard. I didn’t mind it now that I didn’t feel caged. With the Aos Si, it felt like I was spending my time with a friend, and it gave Solas and Zephyr the freedom to do their duties and not need to stop and check in on me. Their trust in my complete safety would never come, but their belief that others would die for me was enough to not spend their days looking over their shoulder for me.

On the back hills of Autumn Court, which had been swallowed by the Court of Less, Finn and I relaxed after hours with Jayde. Jayde, a man of many talents, could help you unpack your emotional baggage in a way no one else could. He could pull the nightmares from my mind and dissect them with love and compassion, allowing me to let them go. And for Finn and me, we had more than enough damage between us both to keep Jayde busy until the end of his days. We had killed an island-full of people, which was the start of our shared wound. Then we’d eaten an entire village of people together. That tends to leave bruises on souls and gouged at dreams. The shame would always remain, but it had lessened enough over time that I could see my reflection in the mirror and not cringe. I could look myself in the eyes and forgive myself—not for every death, but it was a start.

The sessions with Jayde were healing, but it was the screams, giggling and interruptions from children that made my time spent with him mean something more. Seeing what Jayde and Aeden were building in a world with little room for greatness gave me a sense of peace. What they were doing with their home, opening it to the children of Elphame, is what truly scabbed the wounds and gave me hope that my life could mean something more one day. Their home was everything Aeden had dreamed of and more. A walk down any hallway would show you just that. Walls were decorated with painted pictures, cutouts of hands and feet, flowers and monsters, and drawings of happy memories. Rooms weren’t prepared for banquets. They were decorated for tea parties. Furniture wasn’t arranged for the kings and queens of Elphame. Instead, the rooms held blanket forts and castles for tiny princes and princesses. Every space was filled with life and love, promises of futures and new beginnings. Seeing that made my wounds seem smaller in some way—that even in the worst of times, when everything you loved had been taken from you, you could find it again and rebuild.

The moment I stepped onto the path to their house, I smiled right down to my soul. This was a home in every sense of the word for all who needed one, from the off-duty Aos Si doing laundry and carting children under their arms like sacks of flour, to the guards cooking and laughing together at puppet shows and pictures painted of them and those from various courts who volunteered. This was a new beginning for those who needed one, not only for the children. It was fitting that I had found my way to their door to rebuild myself, as so many others had before me. Within those walls, my secrets stayed, my fears were put to rest and I was forgiven for deeds I’d sooner not do again.

For weeks after I emerged from my father’s home, I had visited the families of those who had come into Whitwick to find me, only to die a horrible death. Each family I grieved with all over again. And as painful as it was, it helped me let go a little bit more each time I faced what had happened to us all. Carver and Finn came with me, and it had allowed them the same release. Nightmares shouldn’t be faced alone. Today, I unpacked a little more baggage with Jayde and bandaged old wounds. With Finn, we’d let the lingering pain go as we ate our picnic and waited on Solas and Zephyr to join us. This evening, we were removing my morbid garden from behind the manor, the last dark memory to let go of. Many laughs had come from the garden, but it tethered us to moments we didn’t want each time we stood on my balcony. Orrian had already picked through it and carried away the plants she wanted to line her border with. The rest would be burned, along with the memories attached to them. Nix would bring the marshmallows, and the Winter Court would come with frost wine. This wasn’t just about healing myself. This was about us all learning to leave the past where it belonged…behind us.

“Why do you always look like you’re about to go to war, Finn?” I asked, pulling my hair onto my shoulders so the sun that broke through from the trees wouldn’t burn me. From the grounds of Autumn Court, the sun always left a mark on my pale, freckled skin. I was made for darkness, from my soul to my flesh. “I’ve never seen you not strapped to the teeth with weapons. None of you are ever casually dressed. Is it an Aos Si rule?”

“Not a rule, but a lesson learned by us all. To stand this close to the throne, one learns to either be ready to fight or we die pretty damn fast,” Finn answered and breathed in the air between us. “And why are you not prepared for war? I can smell only one knife. Have you learned nothing from your broken wings? You don’t just stand close to the throne, Perdi. You are the throne. After what you’ve been through, I’d think you’d be tired of running for your life.”

I knew he’d smell the cleaner I had used on my blade. Even I could smell it. But it was still unsettling how accurate his sense of smell was. “Some of us don’t want war.”

“I didn’t say I wanted a war, but I do want to live another day bad enough to be prepared to fight for it. The sooner you figure that out, the sooner you stop leaving chunks of yourself all over the damn place. Cleaning up crow feathers isn’t a walk in the park for any of us.” He grinned. Finn had the knack of jamming the truth down my throat and making me laugh as if I hadn’t just choked on what he had said. “If you had to choose between fighting Aos Si or the Royal Guard, which one would you choose?”

I laughed. It reminded me of the nights I had spent with the Aos Si trainees, trying to find Solas and Zephyr. They bridged the gap between home and hell with stories and laughter as we sat on an island and hunted a population of Fae who had been hidden from the rest of the world for so long that when we were done, they were entirely forgotten by everyone but us. I breathed in my regret and let it flow back out into the world that had helped create it. We all felt the cost of that rescue, but today it didn’t sting as much as it had a few months before.

“Royal Guard, hands down. I train with you all. The Aos Si are brutal. I don’t have a hope in hell of winning,” I answered. “Every chance you guys get, you kick my butt.”

“But there’s way more of the Royal Guard that you’d have to beat than Aos Si,” he countered.

“The numbers game isn’t what I’d worry about. It’s the strength of those I’d have to fight. Each Aos Si is an army on their own. It’s like having to fight a few dozen at once, who are deadlier, faster, stronger and much more conniving than the Royal Guard will ever be. Plus, if I waged war against the Royal Guard, you’d all come to help me. If I fought you guys, who the hell would be brave enough to show up? Zephyr wouldn’t. He’d want me to learn some lesson by taking you all on at once. Solas might, though. I think I’d win if he helped,” I answered and tilted my head in wonder. “Finn, why don’t the Aos Si guard thrones or courts? You can leave the Aos Si and become a Royal Guard, but you don’t do both. Aside from Zephyr, almost none of you are around unless he’s nearby. The trainees are around, but only if I’m there.”

“The Aos Si have never guarded a royal in Elphame, not since the days of the original court in Blood and Bones. We’re war and peace and justice, and we can’t be that if we’ve picked a side from the start. Although we follow Zephyr, who chooses to follow Solas, we’d never fight for him if Solas waged war for territory or power. We don’t come for every battle. Most aren’t worth our time or energy, and we’d never come for grabs of power. We’re only there when it’s worth our notice or intervention.”

“I haven’t been here long enough to know, but have you ever stood for a different court?”

“We don’t even stand for this court, Perdi. We stand with people, regardless of their crown. Lucky for you, the Dark Court doesn’t wage frivolous wars, and never has Solas attacked an encampment of innocents. But, to answer your question, it isn’t often we’ve found ourselves on the other side of the river, in Seelie territory, given their thirst for power and all-encompassing dominance. But we’ve stood for other courts and intervened on their behalf when the innocent were at risk. We’ve been sent to help move people from the front lines before we’ve gone to war against their kings.” His answer made more sense than it would have a couple of years before when my hands were clean of blood. “If we did guard, as you’ve asked, you wouldn’t see us. Solas doesn’t put his strongest around his throne. He puts them around his people. Have you ever heard him command his army to protect his crown? It’s always his people he protects first—his family, innocents caught between his decisions. Hell, when he was taken by the Satyr, he had the chance for freedom, and he chose to stay to save his people. That’s one of the reasons I’d stand at his side. He has honor,” Finn replied, and we both shuddered as those memories of the island came and went. Neither of us was fully healed from the decisions we had to make and the ones forced upon us. “In any other court, we go straight for the throne. Their kings protect themselves over their own people. The strongest of their army can be found guarding the king. It’s pitiful but predictable. And once their throne falls, the rest is just cleanup. Here, in the Dark Courts, I’d never make it to your front door, with or without the Aos Si guarding. I’d die in the field, where those more powerful would be stationed. And if I managed to get past them, I have to fight off the Sluagh and whatever the hell lives in these forests. Solas’ throne isn’t worth the trouble.”

“Why are you with me if you never guard a royal?” I asked.

“I’m not here to guard you, but I’d protect you if needed, just like you would help me if I needed it. I’m here as your friend, and no one gets to choose who my friends are, regardless of which court they’re from or how close to the throne they sit. When we’re like this, you’re just Perdi, and I’m just Finn. Neither of us must be what the fates forced us to become. We don’t have to hide who we are from each other.” His expression changed just enough for me to notice that his mind was in a dark place. “When I’m with you, I feel at peace with my decision to get back here. When I’m able to be here like this, I have no regrets about the life I’ve chosen to have, not even the broken parts and pieces. I don’t have to be who I was born to be. I can just be myself.” He rolled onto his back and tossed a cherry into his mouth, moving a knotted stem to his lips. He wiggled his eyebrows.

I yanked the stem from his teeth. “Keep it up, and you will have a very short life.”

“There’s no better reason to die than for love,” he answered.

“You flirting with me is not a reason to die.”

“Your ego is almost as big as Nix’s.” He laughed until I watched him wipe the tears from his eyes. “I’m not flirting with you, Perdi. I love you, but not as a lover would. I love you as you would a friend you’ve had for an entire lifetime. I do these tricks because I know Zephyr is always watching us, and it drives him up the wall. He’s so bloody protective over you. It’s entertaining. He’s petty about it, and I always look forward to his chats after we part.”

“Do you enjoy his beatings that much?” I laughed.

“There’s a kink for everyone. Maybe I like the pain.” He laughed back.

I inched myself to the ground beside him and stared up at the sky, little bits of light falling down through the leaves. “I don’t think you like the pain any more than I do.”

“But we were made to suffer—and suffer we shall,” he replied. He tossed a handful of cherries into the trees behind us and grinned ear to ear when the dragons scurried out to fetch them. It was the smallest things that brought him the most joy. Finn loved that the dragons were back to roaming Elphame, and he could be found daily, feeding them in the backyard. He said it signified the return of peace when the smaller creatures were willing to come out of hiding. Seeing any amount of happiness, for any reason, made me feel like the journey, however hard it had been, was worth it. “If you had to fight Solas or me, who would you pick?”

“What is with you guys and your ‘would you rather’ questions?” I asked.

“I’m curious who you would pick and how you would win. It tells me if you’re brave or stupid and how at risk I am for being this close to you. The throne isn’t the only danger, Perdi. You are. And your answers tell us what areas you still need training in and what lessons Zephyr is yet to teach you.”

“Makes sense. For the record, though, I’m probably more stupid than brave…or a combination of both,” I answered. “Solas… I’d pick him to fight.”

“You don’t think he’d beat the tar out of you?”

“Oh, he’d win a thousand times over. But with Solas, I know who and what I’m fighting. I know how he fights and what he uses to fight with. I know he’d win in a hand-to-hand fight, but he’d hesitate to kill me. With you, I simply don’t know.”

“You know me, Perdi.”

I rolled to face him. “No, I don’t think I do. I know what you show me but nothing more. I have your pearl, but when I touch it, I feel nothing beyond what I already know. I don’t see your past, your memories or your truths. I see bits and pieces, but it’s like trying to find a diamond in the mud. When the light hits it just right, I see a faint twinkle, but not enough to snatch it. Sometimes, when you’re dreaming and it’s as horrible as my own, I can feel you and hear you scream, but I don’t know what you’re dreaming of. That’s as close to your truth as I get without you telling it to me.”

“Yet, you trust me. I feel that. I also feel your love.”

I breathed him in. “Yes, I do. You feel like home.”

“Feel, not smell? You usually tell people they remind you of a smell from home or a memory of something you treasure.”

I shook my head. “You smell of here, familiar scents that remind me of places I like to visit and moments I don’t want to forget. But you feel like here, all of here. Every scent you have is of every place in Elphame. I don’t know what is you and what is merely where you’ve been. It’s odd. Everyone else smells of their court, but you smell of everywhere. And when I’m around you, I always feel like I’m right here, in the Dark Courts. It doesn’t really matter where I am. If you’re there, it feels like that exact spot could be home. And for everything I feel when I’m with you, I know so little about you. Your pearl isn’t empty, but I can’t understand what it tells me. The odd time I’ve felt your magick, I’ve always backed up rather than tried to understand it. My Malice isn’t sure of what she’s feeling, and it makes her nervous not to know.”

“I didn’t know you couldn’t read my pearl.”

I shrugged. “I’m not as talented as Zephyr.”

“You could just simply ask, like Zephyr did,” he replied. “I think you depend on those pearls a little more than you do a polite conversation.”

“Something’s wrong,” I whispered as I watched the dragons flare in bright colors in a warning.

The moment I heard Zephyr’s name, I could feel him. I scanned the field in front of the tree line and jerked at a boom that blasted across Elphame and rolled across the grass until it slapped my cheek, hard and wet. Both Finn and I jumped while the ground still rumbled from the noise. The dragons surrounding us scattered. Leaves and flower petals swirled in the wind, landing at our feet. It reminded me of thunder and lightning in Whitwick and how it shook you to your core when it hit too close to your house. Across the field, both Solas and Zephyr were coming in a swirl of night and shadows. Their movement dredged up memories of how the fog used to move through Whitwick, and it took everything in my soul not to step back. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wanted to hide from what I saw.

“Perdi.” Finn grabbed my hand. His grip was tight, as if he were tethering me to the ground.

“Whatever it is, I can feel it, too.” I held his hand as if it were a life raft. “Don’t let go, please. Whatever is coming, I can feel it.”

“Not what…who. And they’re already here,” Finn replied.

“Who is already here?”

“The Sidhe,” he answered. A shiver ran down his body and spasmed around my hand. “Fate has finally come to collect her payment for what we’ve done.”